Today marks three years since the birth and death of Josiah and Josias. And although three years seems like a long time, for the grieving heart it still seems fresh. As a matter of fact, I can still feel the emotional and physiological symptoms that I felt after their loss.
Within these three years, I have been trying to write about my boys and my journey through carrying them, but it has been tough. My eyes get welled up with tears, my chest gets heavy with air and I have to stop because it gets to be too much, the pain is overwhelming as I try to recall details and I just stop.
So today I am going to attempt to share just a little bit about Josiah and Josias, the journey through carrying them, and the lasting impact they have had on my life.
Josiah & Josias: A Love Worth Fighting For
I don’t consider myself to be a fighter. However, when it comes to the ones I love I am willing to go to bat for them. From the moment I found out we were expecting I was excited for the life and blessing that was growing inside me. At that very first ultra-sound I found out that we were expecting twins, not just twins, but conjoined twins. In this very moment I realized that God was doing something special here and that He was going to be with us all the way through. I knew I was about to embark on a journey where I would have to fight. Although I did not know what this fight would look like, the one thing I knew for certain was that my babies were A Love Worth Fighting For. So when asked by the doctor if we were going to be moving forward, my response was yes we are moving forward.
The Journey: Moving Forward
Moving forward was my only option. I was hopeful despite what the doctors and other medical professionals thought or said. At times it was difficult, but God showed me that He was with me. If you will, rewind with me some years prior sometime around 2008 where we were at a new church learning sound doctrine, engaging in in-depth Bible studies, and gaining a wealth of information on how to live out a life that is pleasing to God. I recall praying with a group of coworkers and having one of them acknowledge afterwards what I had mentioned about denying ourselves, taking up our cross, and following Jesus (Mark 8:34). She basically let me know that what I prayed was some serious words. At the time, I didn’t think much of it because I had heard it so much at church I just thought it was what we were all aiming for as Christians. Fast forward to 2015 where I would have to live this out. Not in the way that others have, but in the way that God allowed me to. I would have to fight for keeping my babies alive although others may not have seen the point. I would have to fight to receive the medical attention and care that my babies deserved although others may have seen it as a waste of resources, lastly I would have to fight to give my babies a chance at life even if it meant a difficult life or losing my own life through it all. So every time I was asked are we moving forward, my response was yes we are moving forward. Moving forward was my only option!
Growth: My Whole Life Changed
My Whole Life Changed – I can’t even take any credit for it. All glory to goes to God! I thank Him for transforming my heart (ironically Josiah and Josias shared a heart) and renewing my mind/being into the image of Christ. I am so grateful for the experience of parenting Josias and Josiah. Although I only had a short time doing so (while they were inside me), I have learned so much and have become a part of an awesome community of families that have/had conjoined twins. In addition to this, I have been blessed by family, friends, and the saints in ways too much to mention right now. I am also grateful to God for my spiritual growth and development during this time and beyond. I now live a life filled with joy because of the One responsible for my growth!
“So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but God who causes the growth.” – I Corinthians 3:7
Remembering my sweet babies Josiah and Josias along with other babies that are no longer with us and their mommas and families that are moving forward without them.